Friday, May 6, 2016

My Life Updates READ NOW

"MyLife Updates" pops up in my email.

"Jessica, you may have a new review. See if an old friend, colleague, or ex has something GOOD or BAD to say about you."

"READ NOW."

(I tap on the link.)

(It's scanning.)

2 men and 1 woman are "searching" for me.

I'm here! 

OMG, they are so lost if they're looking for me there. I should throw them a rope. 

"Jessica, people are looking at your LinkedIn profile. (1 view.)"

Who?

(I tap on the link.)

"You don't have any profile views--yet!"

Hmm.

"LinkedIin is faster on our mobile app. Get it now."

No.

"Jessica, there may be a NEGATIVE RECORD on your background report."

Fine.

"3 people are viewing your background report."

How do I find my background report?

"See if there are mistakes on your background report."

Where is my background report? I can't find it...

"3 people are viewing your background report, including your finances."

Are they the same 3 people who were searching for me? The 2 men and 1 woman?

"Your public rating has been updated."

What is my public rating? Who has access to it? Who is updating it? What are people saying about me? Is it the 2 men and the woman? 

Jessica, new jobs for you:
 (I swear this is real.)
1. Research Analyst 
2. Senior Research Accountant 
3. Research Manager 
4. Director, Market Research
5. Senior research scientist, neuroscience 
6. Receptionist/mail clerk
7. Research technologist
8. Research scientist 

Jessica, 5 new jobs waiting for you!
1. Marine biologics, shark tank
2. Research scientist urban dictionary's small farms division
3. Esthetician, mostly feet
4. Roadkill scrapings & analytics
5. Astro-receptionist International Space Station

Jessica, remember Bob? Bob is searching for you. He is deep in your financials. He knows where you live. He has updated your profile report several times. He's driving to your house. There's a guy and a woman with him. They're a little lost. Okay, they made a u-turn and now they're headed in the right direction. They're turning into your driveway. A feisty dog is running toward the car, barking like mad. Bob is looking dubious. He's rolling down the window a tiny bit. The woman is handing him a piece of paper. Bob is searching the glove compartment for a pen. The second man pulls out a gun and aims it at the dog. Bob is saying, We're not here to shoot the dog, Doug, so put that away. The woman hands Bob a pen. Bob writes something on the paper, a note. Then he carefully folds it a few times, and now, Jessica, the note is aerodynamic. He opens the window a smidgen more, and the dog goes berserk (border collie/Lab, 53 pounds). The note glides on the air straight and true, landing precisely at your feet where you stand, peering down your driveway toward the car--toward Bob.

You pick up the note--but you don't realize that it's a note, and you launch it back into the air, toward Bob, and the other man, and the one woman, and the dog.








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